Bella's Journal
by crazywafflefun
Summary: Bella has to keep a journal for her therapy. Her mind writes what her heart won't say for itself. Jacob can't put up with her anymore, she's lost touch with her father, life around her has gone into a further nothingness. Sucky summary, good read! Promise


_Dear Journal,_

_Today is the one year anniversary. He still hasn't come back. I can't believe I trapped myself in Forks with the hope of him returning. Foolishness. I guess a little bit of arrogance too. So sure he would come back for me. I had another dream last night. It was about the other one. I make myself so sick. Jake, I can barely write his name.... He was playing the lullaby the other one wrote. Charlie came in to tell me to stop screaming. He's finally so angry that he doesn't care anymore. Why should he? I am nothing. My sadness should only be kept to myself. I guess Charlie figures since I now have a "therapist" that I don't need anybody else. I can't wait until I move out. Quit the crap with the therapist. My dumbass of a therapist believes that writing in this journal is going to help me. Yes writing out my problems will surely help. Not. Nothing will, being that I have no one to exactly bring every little detail out. My therapist promised he wouldn't read this, he's said this for the past 4 months... still, I can't be sure. Later today I get to visit him. "Get" to visit him... Those visits are bogus. I get nothing out of them, in fact I just feel worse, having all these issues but having no way to dish them out. He doesn't get anything out of it anyways. We just stare at each other the whole hour and a half. Pointless. Anyways, lunch is just about over, I'll stop writig for now. I'll continue my day's "therapy" after my visit with Dr. Vince._

_Hey there again. Good news, Dr. Vince is no longer my doctor. Apparently my case is too much for him so I've been assigned someone who's got talent apparently. He's crazy gorgeous, and unfortunately I can now tell my whole story... my new therapist is Dr. Thompson, a, dare I try to write it, vam.. I can't. He's a.... ugh! Vampire. For the love of all that is holy... I can't do this. I want to die. I need to. He demands that I visit him everyday. A constant reminder. I was almost able to think of his name again. I can feel the scab being plucked from my heart... again. I'm going to bed. Goodnight._

After writing in my journal and staring at the tear-stricken page for a good half hour, I finally got into bed. Sleep didn't exactly come to me for awhile. I tossed and turned trying to find a way to fall into dreamland. Honestly, I was glad that sleep hadn't found me yet, I was terrified at what horrors my brain was keeping frome me.

My new doctor was a vampire, I wondered what nightmare my subconcious was dredging up. I could the silent tears streaking down my face. I was so used to these now, I rarely ever sobbed. They just crept along my face with no purpose or meaning. Just like my life.

Honestly, I liked my previous doctor. He didn't ask me anything, he just let me sit there and say what I wanted to. Which was hardly ever anything. I think one day, I asked him how he was doing and he nearly fell out of his chair because I had said more than one syllable. I also think I smiled that day. The other thing I liked about my previous therapist was that he gave me a journal to write in. I was very skeptical at first, I may have brushed off his "advice", but when I sat down for the first time and began to write, it was pure bliss. I had been holding so much from myself as far memories and thoughts. I was able to write things down with out thinking and to never have to look back at those entries. I could write during school now, my teachers never called on me anymore. The entries in my journal reflected what I really wanted to think rather than what I wouldn't let myself think. It was like I was on autopilot whenever I wrote.

But now, with the new doctor, I knew he would read my journal and want to discuss it with me. I didn't even know what I wrote in that. Like that isn't bad enough, each and everyday I will be reminded of _him_. Even if it's just my imagination getting the better of me, I still can't ignore my initial impression of him. He was pale, beautiful, lithe, tidy, well dressed and kept, and his eyes! His eyes were that same beautiful shade. They were more like tiger-eye, though. Dark yet light at the same time, deep and reflective dispite the darker tint. He was magnificently excruciating to look at. All the memories of staring into _his_ eyes came flooding back to me.

I must have ran out of the office and took off down the road forgetting my truck. By the time I pulled myself out of the dark hole I had let myself slip into, the rain was coming down in torrents and I was drenched. Jacob had pulled up beside me in my old rusted truck. I assumed I had called him while I was on autopilot again. I climbed into the cab and he drove me home, not a single word was said. Our relationship had turned into this now, nothing to say, no way to say it. It was my fault really, but I knew I couldn't give Jacob what he wanted, what he deserved.

Once we pulled up to my house, he rushed out of the truck and ran into the woods without a glance back. For the second time that day, I felt what was left of my heart crumble.

I felt myself finally drift off into sleep going through the last little bits of the day's events.

I woke with a start. Confusion clouding my mind. I was in my familiar bed, and my bedroom also. But the walls and floors were nearly ingulfed by grasses and viney plants. There were branches crisscrossing their way through my ceiling. My window was replaced with a door frame. I stumbled my way out bed and through the open space. Through the frame was the forest in my backyard, I don't know why but I felt compelled to trudge through the thick woods.

As I tripped and fell my way through the forest, I could hear the lullaby that _he _composed for me so long ago, when I was loved. The more I walked on, the louder it became, until I came upon his graceful figure. It was him! After so long I finally found him. But there was another taller and muscular figure standing in front of him. They seemed to be having a quarrel of sorts, given their stances and low growls.

"I'm not her care-giver, Edward," my heart swooned at the mention of his name. The voice that had uttered his name was strikingly familiar. _Jacob?_

"Please, just do for her what I cannot. Love her, Jacob, like she should be loved." The angel's voice whimpered, he sounded so broken.

"She won't have me you leech. It's you she wants! I'm just a friend to her. And I've had to nearly abandon her because I can't stand to see the sight of her anymore. She's tortured, dead. I can't fix what _you've _done." Jacob's voice was long, angered growl. _He's sticking up for me_, I mused to myself in delight. _He's telling Edward to come back to me!_

I moved closer so that I could better hear their hushed voices, even though we were alone in the big forest. I stepped forward once more onto a twig. It snapped unusually loud despite the other's voices. It caused both Jacob and Edward to stare straight at me. I was perplexed that they hadn't noticed me before, at least smelled me. Their intense conversation must have taken up all of their concentration.

As soon as Edward spotted me, our eyes locked for a good five seconds before he vanished into the night.

I screamed myself out of my dream only to awaken to the same place I had dreamt about. I had sleep-walked all the way out here, where ever _here_ was. The only thing I could think to do was chase after where Edward had vanished off to. I screamed and screamed his name as I tripped and fell countless times. Again and again I became close friends with the forest floor.

I was wheezing, my lips were dry and my throat was parched. I could only whisper his name. I fell to the ground in complete agony. This was the second time in my life that I had chased after him through the woods. Time passed and I was able to see around me again.

I half expected to hear my name being called, like I was being looked for again. I sat up after several minutes, I was able to see everything around me clearly. There was no absolute darkness like last night. Surely, Charlie would have come in my room by now. Maybe I was farther into the woods than last time. Whatever the case, I was happy. I didn't want to be found the first time.

I looked myself over and realized that I was wearing my heavy jacket and my oldest pair of jeans. The more I thought about last night, the more I remembered. I had actually prepeared in my sleep walking dream to venture into the forest. I had prepared to be cold, to walk a long distance. And here I was, unfreezing and comfortable.

I got up and started walking some more, in the general direction where I had seen Edward flee. The more I thought about last night's occurence, the more dream like it became. Edward wasn't here, he was never going to come back. Of course he wasn't. And for once in my life, I think I accepted that. I was just curious as to why I came out here and I saw him as clear as day talking to Jacob Black.

Hours wne tby, and I still trudged on. I hadn't fallen once, not even tripped. It was certainly different. But I didn't feel different. After what I estimated to be about four hours of endless meandering, I sat on a fallen log to catch my breath, but I wasn't the least bit tired. I just felt winded from thinking. I could see clearly, clearer than I have been able to in months. I didn't feel bottled up, I realized. The past year, I had felt so boxed in by my own emotions that I could hardly breathe. Now, I felt rejuvinated, happy! I felt like my heart was piecing itself back together again. I got up and smiled for the first time in a long time. I continued to meander in my original direction.

After another hour, I came upon the big house I had once gone to so many times. My aimless venturing had led me right to the side of their house. I wasn't even sad, no trace of it my lonely heart. Just curious.

My feet carried me to their front porch, the door was unlocked. Unthinkingly, I wandered my way into their, what should've been, vacant home. Oh, it clearly wasn't. There was some of their furniture that was here when I had been a part of their life, and there was also some strange, unfamiliar furniture. Some one was inhabiting their home? I couldn't rap my mind around it.

I heard quiet footsteps coming down the stairs. I was frozen, locked into place. A million and one thoughts were going through my head at once, how should I apologize, who lives here now, why do they live here, why can't I move?

A quiet chuckle esacaped the man who now lived here. I immediately knew who and what he was. He was my new therapist. He was a vampire.

"Hello, Ms. Swan," his smooth voice cooed. I instantly thought of Carlisle. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

I spun around, the heat in my cheeks growing. "I- I'm sorry," I stuttered. He smiled at me.

"Please don't be. Are you feeling all right?" He asked genuinely. He was definitely a _vegetarian_, which put me at ease a little. But, I was so embarrassed.

"I just thought that," I paused, awkwardly, "that, no one lived here anymore." I looked down feeling hot tears ready to run down my face. I thought I was over this sadness.

"I understand, Bella. Really, I do."

I had no doubt that he did. He mus have been a friend of Carlisle's.

"Let's sit down and talk. Heaven only knows how much you've needed to tell someone the _whole _story." I looked up at him again and he gestured towards the couch. I shuffled my way to the three-seated couch.

"Is there anything I can get you, Bella?" I shook my head slowly. "How about some hot chocolate? With bacon?" He could obviously hear my stomach crying for food because he swiftly walked to the kitchen the sound of my grumbling tummy. "Make yourself at home, sweetheart!" He called down the hallway.

I looked around the redone living room and noticed many books, all different genres. I got up and headed towards one of the bookshelves, it was filled with different editions of psychology and psychiatry texts. His other bookshelves were filled with collections of poetry. I plucked one from the shelf, it was a collection of E.E. Cummings. I flipped through the pages until I came upon "i carry your heart with me". After reading the first two lines I quickly slapped it shut and put it back. My eyes began to sting and I willed them away.

"What's your name?" I asked him to steer my thoughts away from dangerous roads.

He walked back down the kitchen with a plate of bacon in one hand and a mug of hot chocolate in the other. I sat back down on the couch and grabbed a slice of bacon, waiting for his response.

"I am Dr. Christopher Thompson." He stated simply.

"Do you know - "

"Carlisle? Yes, we're really good friends," He cut me off before I could utter _his_ name. I was glad he did, I was back to square one again, not being able to think of his name.

"How... how are they?" I fumbled over my words.

"It's best I not tell you about them. How about we discuss what happened leading up to today's events." He grimaced at having to doddge my question. "And, I called you father. I explained to him that you came to my office right when it opened. You needed to see me. You're truck is waiting in the parking lot too, Bella. After we're done here I'll drop you off at the office and you can head home if you'd like." He smiled again. I couldn't even fathom how he knew I would be over here all day. And then I remembered, special abilities.

"Uh... thanks." My mind was racing at crazy speeds. "So I guess you're one of those special vampires." It was the first thing that came to mind, I knew it wasn't very tactful.

"We'll talk about myself later, Bella. Right now, why don't you tell me about the day he left."


End file.
